Tea, as in the first letter of the word terrible, is quite possibly the most unpleasant thing I have ever put in my mouth. I swallowed a bee once when I was little. A bee is similar to tea in that both are named after parts of the alphabet, but dissimilar in how much I enjoy them. Sure, the bee stung me in the gullet on his way back out, but I can’t blame him for standing up for himself. I enjoyed his company at least, and that’s more than you can ask for around most people, let alone accidentally swallowed wildlife. Now the tea, on the other hand… well let me do this instead. Here is a list of the things I enjoyed about my first cup of tea:

- It wasn’t filled with knives

In other words, the only feeling I had while drinking tea was relief; relief that I would live long enough to drink something legitimately enjoyable afterward. Had the tea been filled with knives, I would have died dissatisfied. This is why I avoid tea; you never know when someone will fill your drink with knives, so you should always order like it is your last drink. A lot of alcoholics agree with me, and look at them; they hold meetings every week to chat about their delight. I never order tea because I plan on dying happy.

Any drink that makes you hold up your pinky while you drink it is stupid. I don’t want to hold up my fingers when I drink things because they help me hold on to whatever it is I may be drinking. I think the only reason I would ever hold up any finger while drinking tea is in hopes of dropping it. But let me assure you that there is only one finger I want to hold up when I think of tea, and it isn’t my pinky.

Here’s a tea fun fact; it takes forever to make it. If you are currently dying of thirst, I would suggest drinking anything but tea, including gasoline. In fact, I wouldn’t suggest that Father Time waste any precious seconds on this annoying process. By the way, if you’re really dying of thirst I’m not sure why you are online and you should stop it. Anyways, back to the tea making.

First, water has to be boiled. I hate boiling water. In my opinion, boiled water should be included in the tea bag. That’s like buying a fence and finding out there is no fence inside; just an axe and directions that tell you to chop down a tree and build a fence.

Next, you get to put the tea bag in the water and wait some more. This is called steeping. I think it is called steeping because it as enjoyable as walking up a really steep hill; like straight up. The difference with a steep hill, though, is that once you get to the top of said hill, there is a chance there might be something worth all the work, like a candy store. But with tea steeping, all you have to look forward to is a cup of trash.

Guess what you get to do next; wait longer. Once the tea has steeped, you have to sit there and not drink it still. Since the water has to be boiling hot, anyone who values their lips has to wait for it to cool down enough to be tolerable. How fun; I get to tolerate the discomfort my time-consuming drink causes me. At this point I usually toss the entire cup out the window. Anyone who has time for this ridiculous beverage needs to get a life. In the time they take making one cup, they could probably discover the cure for cancer. But you know what? They don’t do that. They drink tea instead. Tea is the reason for cancer. Thank you, United Kingdom.

The end.